Finding Time for Me

Right now the house is empty. The only sound is that of The Big Chill blaring on Netflix. All four children have been dropped off at Vacation Bible School and the hubs is at work. There is so much I need to be doing. Dishes need washed and floors need vacuumed, laundry needs folding. The house (as usual) is pretty messy. But, truth is, I haven't had "me" time in so long that I'm honestly not sure what to do with myself. With everything that needs to be done, all I WANT to do is watch movies that can't be on while children are in the house (hence The Big Chill), I want to eat junk food that I don't allow the kids to eat and I want to spend my time selfishly.

That's exactly what I plan to do...but not for long. I was not created to be a selfish being, though that's what my flesh tells me to be. God calls me to loves others before myself. This alone time I have is fabulous, but it's fleeting and insignificant. Soon the movie will be over and the junk food will be gone, but my family and all that REALLY matters will still take precedence.

Me, me, me, me, me!

So, why do I feel so guilty? Guilty about taking "me" time? Maybe it's because I'm not nearly as selfless as I'd like to believe. Instead of cleaning the house so my kids have a comfortable place to live, I'm on Facebook. Instead of making a healthy meal, I'm watching a movie on the computer that's on the counter. Instead of playing cars with my baby, I do...something else.

Truth be told, I take a lot of "me" time.

 More than I want to admit.

Why do I feel so guilty? Because I'm NOT created to be a selfish being, but that's exactly what I've become.

Praise God, His mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow can be different. Tomorrow there is another chance to truly put others before myself. God's still working on me, and I'm glad He is. I'm glad the Spirit gnaws on me enough to face the (ugly) truth. Through Christ, I can do better.  Tomorrow when the kids go to VBS, maybe "me" time will be that much more sweet.

A Day Set Apart

The week is filled with busyness. Busyness caused by jobs or home or of our own design. The Lord found the need for rest. It says that he had finished the work he'd been doing and on the seventh day rested from all his work (Genesis 2:2).

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest
Matthew 11:28


Sunday is a day set apart. It is a holy day for rest.

 

"You don't understand. I have to work on Sunday."

 

Oh yes, beloved, I understand. My husband works a second job on Sunday. My PASTOR works on Sunday. My nurse friends work on Sunday. But God calls us to a higher rest than one that is just physical.

 

A rest from worry? Yes.

 

A rest from burdens? Yes.

 

A rest from turmoil? Yes.

 

Stop cultivating the thoughts that bring about worry. After all, "can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27) Drop the cares that create a burden so heavy you falter under the weight. Hand over the turmoil to the one who already sees it. He may not stop the storm, but He'll walk you through it.

 

Rest.

 

Slow down and recognize the presence of the One who is holy. Seek His presence in your jobs, in your homes, in yourself. If the creator of the universe, the Alpha and Omega found the need to rest, who are we to stay busy?

 

Finish your work, lay down your burdens.

 

Rest.





There Are No Words

I'm being a lot more patient with my two-year-old lately.

Nothing has changed. I haven't read some awesome parenting books that teach me how to remain calm when he's screaming at a pitch that could break glass. I haven't figured out how to make him stop his tantrums or his hitting.

From what I have read, (which is A LOT) this is all normal for him. He understands, comprehends, and takes in so much, but is not able to verbalize what he wants or needs. Or sometimes, he is verbalizing it with a "no" and a sibling does not recognize or respect what he says. As he doesn't have much self control yet, a series of screams, or hits, or tantrums lets the world know that he's not happy.

He doesn't have the words.

The reason I'm being more patient with him is because I'm right there too.

There are no words.



The lack of words leads to
an abundance of frustration

My emotions are so jumbled and my heart is so heavy and situations around me are so confusing that there. are. no. words.

In the absence of my means of expression, there is the urge to scream and cry and hit and stomp and slam.

When it's all bubbling up and words aren't coming or they're not adequate to what I want to say, the tears start flowing. I want to jump and hit and yell because the pressure welling up inside is so great that if I don't do something I'll explode.

So much that I want to say, but again the words aren't there. And even if they were would anyone want to hear them?

There is One who hears the groaning of my heart. One who knows what I need without me uttering a word. I am so grateful for this, because I have not even the words to pray.

Scripture reminds us (me) that "the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26) That is all I have: wordless groans (and a tantrum or two).

This feeling of helplessness is not something I'm used to, but I'm sure my son understands. I'm being more patient and kind with him for we share a nonverbal kinship. I may even join in a scream or two. Right now, I'm just trying to work through feelings- awful, painful, confusing, mixed-up feelings- with the trivial amount of self control that I have.

Happy Fourth!

Nothing says independence like homemade bottle rockets at the Science Center. 

Be safe and God Bless America

Five Reasons the Kids Had Meltdowns Before 8 a.m. (And It's All Good)

This morning has been a zoo around here. Everyone is whining and complaining. My husband has already dubbed it a nap day, but the bad moods don't bother me.

Here is a list of why the kids' crankiness is totally worth it:

1. They were up late catching fireflies

2. After catching said fireflies, they stopped for homemade chocolate chip cookies

3. During the late bedtime, the twins were listening with rapt attention as we near the end of their first Hardy Boys mystery

4. The princess read "Hop on Pop" to her daddy and it took a loooooong time

5. We spent time as a family

Normally, I (and the kids) strive on routine. Bedtime, though later in the summer, is early enough to give everyone plenty of rest, so we can avoid the unpleasantness of the next morning. Sometimes, however, it's important to let the schedule fly away with the fireflies and just enjoy the time that's chocolate chip cookie sweet.

This summer will never come again. Soon my five-year-old will be reading to herself and we'll miss her patient little voice, brimming with pride as she reads Dr. Seuss for all the world to hear.

School starts in five weeks. There will be no time for tandem twin bug hunting and shouting for jars when the twinkling prizes have been caught.

Schedules are guidelines, not straightjackets . Run with it. Grumpiness can be alleviated by a nap, but the memories will last a lifetime.

An Ordinary Day That is Anything But

We were hanging out at our favorite state park, swimming, enjoying family time, but my mind wasn't really there. Every time I got up to get something from our bag, I'd check my phone, fearful I'd missed the call.

While my family was laughing and splashing and basking in the warmth of the sun, another family was gathered around a loved one, wondering if this breath would be his last. The contrast of the two scenes startled me as it seemed like something out of a movie. It was like I was in both places at once though I was physically in one and mentally in the other.

On the way home, my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. My heart dropped into my stomach as I answered. It hadn't happened, but the time was drawing near. Very near.

Our beloved Jesse Miller
June 21, 1949-July 1, 2014

The news finally came a little after 8pm. "He's gone." I looked at my husband, repeated the same words and called the children to let them know their beloved Papa Jesse had gone to be with Jesus. They knew the time was coming. They'd seen him lying in his hospice bed numb to the pain by so much morphine.

No one cried. Everyone looked deflated.

This was just 12-hours ago and yet it seems a lifetime. I had imagined how I would react when I'd finally get the news. I figured I'd double up with a pain that was more than I could manage. I figured I would cry, weep even. Just two nights ago I was gathered around his bedside with his wife and son and was overcome with such emotion I was nauseous and had to leave.

Right now there's nothing.

This lack of feeling frightens me. When I was in labor with my little girl, the epidural made my legs go numb and it made me panic. I need to feel. Even if it's pain - I need to feel.

My heart is heavy. So heavy, in fact, it feels as though it's encased in lead. This lump in my chest is the only reminder that emotions may be present. If they're there, they are buried under something so deep that when it erupts I fear I may be empty.

My kids are up, life is going on as normal. But it's not normal. It seems ordinary. It's anything but ordinary. We are going to have to learn to live a life that is void of an extraordinary man. A wife has to learn to live without her husband, a son has to learn to live without his father. Friends have to learn to live without a man who was joy itself.

For me...I have to learn to live without a man who taught me what living was. He showed me what a loving husband should look like (my parents are divorced). He showed me that loving and supporting your kids doesn't stop when they graduate or turned 20...or 35. Jesse loved his friends and family with such fierce abandon. He loved his church.

He loved life and showed it with everything in him. Now, the rest of us have to figure out how to live life without him.

Right now that's a pain I don't think I can bear.

Summer Fun (for cheap!)

We're a one-income family and with four kids, we have to get creative when trying to find fun things to do. In the summer, or anytime really, heading to a state park is a wonderful (and frugal) activity for the whole family.

Lots of room in the Olympic size pool for my boys to play

Today we travelled less than an hour to Staunton River State Park. Completed in 1936, this state park was one of six that opened simultaneously in Virginia and thus launched the Virginia state park system. With the introduction of Staunton River, Douthat, Hungry Mother, Fairy Stone and Westmoreland State Parks, most Virginians were within an hours drive of nature and all that she had to offer. There are now 36 state parks in the Commonwealth and each offers something for everyone.

Fun times!

What keeps us coming back to Staunton River year after year is what my babies have affectionately nicknamed, "the frog pool." While the park offers an Olympic size pool, when we started going there, none of my kids were big enough, so we spent many lazy hours in the Pollywog Pond, a wading pool with toys and a slide geared towards the littlest guppies. My three oldest are now too big for the baby pool, (which is rather sad) but the baby is learning to get his feet wet on the same froggy slide they did.

My son took this, and you can juuuust see
 the Pollywog Pond in the background

If swimming really isn't your thing, most state parks offer hiking (some on paved trails which are handicap accessible), guided programs and lots of other stuff to do. There is usually a nominal parking fee ($3 is what we paid today), and if you're hiking or picnicking, that's all you pay. Swimming and some activities have other fees, but it's incredibly reasonable.

See you soon at a state park!

The next time your kids say they're bored, or you feel like the school year can't come soon enough, pack up the family, pack up a lunch and head to a state park near you. Make the most of these long lazy days and make some memories.