Saturday, December 28, 2013

Resolutions from My Hole

We had a wonderfully blessed Christmas. Though our extended family remained far away for the holiday, they were with us in spirit...and through FaceTime. The gifts are opened, wrapping paper is put away for another year and it's time to start thinking about 2014. What resolutions am I going to make for next year?

Of course there's the resolution to become more organized. After all, that's something I've struggled with for years. I'm tired of the clutter and the hassle that comes with disorganization. I received an awesome juicer for Christmas, so I'm resolving to drink more veggies. I'm tired of not treating my body right.

I'm also tired of being hurt. Of getting close to people only to be rejected. I'm tired of giving and giving both physically and emotionally. I'm tired of being the second fiddle or the person people hang out with because "well I have nothing else to do."

These are the times I want to crawl in a hole and not come out. My children and husband are totally welcome to visit because they make my heart smile, but why make connections with anyone else? All they'll do is break your heart into a million pieces.

So do I resolve to do that? To remain at arms length with everyone? If people can't get close, they can't put a dagger in your heart (or your back). When you open yourself up to people you show them where you are most vulnerable. Oh, how dangerous that is. An open book, when not shared with the right people, gets passed around and torn up. The pages get torn out and all that's left is an empty cover.

On the other hand, living in the hole would be pretty torturous because I am such a social being, but that's what makes social interaction so difficult. I am extremely relational and it hurts deeply when a lesser value is placed on the relationship I've created with someone. Do I place too much value on that person? Is my trust and love misplaced? I don't know. I just know the pain sucks.

I don't have an answer. I know that relationships are bittersweet because no matter how close two people are, the love between them will always come to an end. Whether through distance, discord, or death, the relationship is going to end.


  1. Here is where the beloved Dr. Seuss quote "Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened" comes in. My resolutions often involve learning to enjoy the journey and not worrying so much about the outcome, so I do understand where you're coming from. And I'm always with you on the organization and healthy eating...along with about 99.9% of the rest of women in the world! Good luck!